Saturday, March 14, 2015
MY FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH WALK OF SHAME WITH PAPER SHORTS
When I write "paper shorts", I am not talking about a cute craft made of short pieces of paper. Nope. I am referring to paper shorts, shorts that you wear, that are made of paper...at a doctor's office...and beyond. That beyond part was also the Friday the Thirteenth Walk of Shame part.
It all started when I discovered an MD who specializes in injections for arthritic (and other) joint pain. Instead of using just the sense of touch after taking xrays to decide where to insert the needle for injections into joints, he inserts the needle while viewing with ultra sound exactly where it is going into the (in my case) knee joint . I had to postpone my first appointment with this doctor last month. So I was really ready to get it done, and at the time of making the appointment for today, the fact that it was Friday the Thirteenth really didn't give me much pause for thought.
It was my first visit with this Dr. and I had worn a loose pair of slacks so that it would be easy to just pull my pants leg up for xrays, examination, injection, etc. But I was in for a big (but not big enough for me) surprise. Paper Shorts! The medical assistant asked that I remove my slacks and please put on these Navy Blue Paper Shorts. Who would have thought that they even made Paper Shorts? She handed me the pair of 3 sizes too small Paper Shorts, and I told her that I really didn't think they would fit. She told me to go ahead and try them.
I did. They didn't fit, but I managed to get them up over my behind, and then my belly, just barely. I am fat. I know that paper doesn't stretch, but somehow I got into those Paper Shorts. That might have been some sort of Friday the Thirteenth miracle, if there is such a thing And so I was wearing my forest green long sleeve turtleneck top, my Navy Blue Paper Shorts, my white sausage thighs squeezing out from the bottom hem (edge) of the Paper Shorts, black socks, and my black leather oxford shoes. A new Friday the Thirteenth movie might be coming out featuring this classic outfit.
The medical assistant came back in and asked me to follow her. So we started the trek. I was thinking it would be just a couple of doors down. But no, we went down the hall, around the corner, around another corner, to an elevator, with several other people on it already, then after getting off the elevator down another people-filled hall and around some more corners and finally into the xray room. The whole way I feared that my Navy Blue Paper shorts were going to split wide open, like the skin of a really giant over ripe blue grape. The xrays went quickly and then we headed back. Only this time we managed to catch an elevator ride with a handsome young UPS driver. He was wearing shorts, too. But not Paper Shorts. I hope that he averted his eyes to avoid having the image of me in my Friday the Thirteenth Paper Shorts costume forever seared into his retinas. Oh my, I just had the thought that someone might have recorded this costume on their phone for submission to some weird video site. I am glad I didn't think of that until now. Finally, it took forever, we got back to my little room.
After my Friday the Thirteenth Walk of Shame in the tighter-than-my-skin Paper Shorts, the discomfort of the needle being inserted deep into my painfully arthritic knee joint was a breeze.
I really liked this doctor and this injection method seems to be a real improvement over what I have experienced in the past, which sometimes had been kind of like Pin the Tail on The Donkey, only the tail was a long needle and the donkey was my knee joint. Next time I will BMOS (bring my own shorts).
Sorry, I don't have a picture of my Friday the Thirteenth Paper Shorts here for you tonight. You could use your imagination to envision how they looked on me, and then multiply the ugly by 235 percent. I did bring them home with me, though. I am resting my knee tonight. The shorts really don't look that bad unless they are on me.